I'm not broken, just bent
Every day I wake up grateful that I kept fighting, kept moving forward, through all the pain and heartache. I no longer live in fear of becoming my mother, of continuing the cycle of abuse. I live a life full of freedom and independence, of love and happiness. And my goal is to help you break similar harmful generational cycles or critical inner dialogue, and remind you that you are worthy of a life full of love and happiness as well.
For so long my identity was wrapped up in my pain, in my heartbreak, in my "brokenness." I thought that I was broken and needed to be saved
-- not knowing that I had all the power within myself. It's embarrassing to think back to conversations with new people in which I would overshare about my past and my depression because I thought it would be like the movies and this person could fix me, heal me, save me. But they didn't and instead of seeing this as evidence to self-heal, I thought it meant I was unloveable, too damaged.
While struggling with depression, anxiety, c-PTSD, to me, being "rejected" just reinforced an idea set in childhood that I was a burden, that I was too much. I felt unloved and unwanted. I felt like I had to apologize for my mere existence.
For over ten years I battled suicidal thoughts and felt like I couldn't tell any one. I had convinced myself that if I disappeared, no one would care, no one would even notice.
But for some reason I kept going. I started going to therapy and taking anti-depressants in secret. Then almost a year later it wasn't so much a secret anymore (a whole other story) and I moved out on my own and thought I was all better! But healing doesn't happen without the actual intention to heal. I continued living life unconsciously, unaware of my self-sabotaging and critical thoughts.
As an adult, my unmet childhood needs came out in harmful ways. I searched for love and validation in all the wrong places: social media, work, strangers, friends, dating apps. It was exhausting and toxic. I was miserable. I was sad. I was angry. I was tired of baring my soul to people who never seemed to reciprocate. I wore stress like a badge of honor. I resented myself and my life once more.
All the while my inner critic was on a constant, loud loop:
"You're not pretty enough."
"You're not smart enough."
"Of course they stopped talking to you. You're not interesting. You're not anything special."
"Why are you such a screw up?"
"What is wrong with you?"
One day I realized that voice wasn't mine. It was a combined voice of past critics in my life. So I said, enough, I don't want to feel like this anymore.
And instead of turning toward the lingering dark thoughts, I began raising my self-awareness and consciousness. I began healing; I began speaking to myself with love and compassion.
Reframing those thoughts felt like learning a whole new language. And I felt like there was an inner war between two parts of myself: the ego who wanted to keep me safe in what felt comfortable (even if it wasn't healthy) and the wise inner adult who wanted me to be happy and healthy. I felt pulled between remaining cynical and angry with the world and becoming more compassionate and understanding. By giving more thought and energy to becoming my best self--I promise this is not a cliche--my world brightened. I'm happier, I feel lighter, I feel freer. I no longer immediately criticize myself or the world or seek external validation.
And by becoming more compassionate with myself, I found I was also kinder to and less judgmental of the people around me.
My identity has shifted away from my past and toward my present and future self. I no longer identify with my depression or anxiety--which isn't to say I'm 100% healed; I still have some bad days, but now I have the tools and resources to manage them and myself with kindness. I am not my past or the mistakes I made along the way. I am kind, compassionate, empathetic, supportive, resilient, and loving. I am a bookworm, an artist, a libra, an INFJ, an enneagram 1w9, a music lover, a singer, a pianist, and so much more.
I'm still growing, still healing, still evolving, still learning. I believe that healing is lifelong journey. And I believe we each have the strength and resources inside ourselves to heal parts of ourselves. And more importantly, I believe that YOU have that same strength.
You can have the same aha moments!
You can create a gorgeous life for yourself!
You don't have to do it alone.
Are you ready to change your life?
I'm here for you.
I might have a few dents.
I might be a little bent.
But I'm not broken.
Why "little bent,
"little bent, not broken" is meant to serve as a reminder that even after everything we've gone through -- all the heartbreak, frustration, and tears -- and even after how much we may have been bent by trauma, we are still whole and resourceful, not broken beyond repair.
I chose "little bent, not broken" during a time when I was ready to let go of the part of my identity that was wrapped up in my "brokenness," in my depression, and in my suicidal thoughts. I moved away from the mindset that I needed someone else to put my broken pieces back together, that I needed to be saved. And I was ready to change the narrative, change my outlook, and change my life for the better. I was ready to let go of the beliefs, pains, and fears holding me back from living a wholehearted and empowered life.
I would be honored to support you as you do the same.
Bachelors Degree, Technical and Professional Writing
San Francisco State University, 2017
OM Leadership Academy IGNITE
October 2020 - December 2020
Trauma Informed Coaching Basics, February 2021
Trauma Informed Coaching Certificate, April 2021
Moving the Human Spirit